Beyond No: Teaching When, Where, and What

Parents and teachers are often surprised by how rarely I say the word "no." It isn't that I don't believe in boundaries or expectations. I do. But for many of the people I work with — especially individuals with ASD, ADHD, and others who find "no" especially hard to hear - the word tends to end the conversation right when the learning should begin.

Instead, I lean on three simple strategies: ‘Not Now, Then’, ‘Not Here, There’, and ‘Not This, That’. None of them say "no." All of them teach. And each one comes with a simple self-advocacy phrase that individuals can learn to use on their own - ‘When can I?’, ‘Where can I?’, and ‘What can I?’

Why "No" Is So Hard to Hear

For many individuals, "no" doesn't land as information. It lands as a wall. For many of my clients with ASD, a "no" can feel like a "never." It tells them what to stop, but not what to do instead, when they can do it, or where it would be okay. And it often carries an unspoken message: “what you're doing is bad, and maybe you are too”.

That's a heavy load, especially for someone whose body is pulling them toward movement, sound, touch, or sensory input they genuinely need. Repeated "no's" can lead to frustration, power struggles, and shutdowns. Over time, they can also build shame around needs that are completely real.

"No" tells someone what not to do. Teaching tells them what they can do.

Not Now, Then

Not Now, Then means teaching that there's an appropriate time for things to happen. Instead of stopping someone with "no," we clarify when what they're doing would make more sense. "We’re not going to throw things at dinner, but we can play throwing games after dinner." "We’re not running around during math, but you can run as fast you want at recess."

The activity isn't wrong. The timing is just a better fit somewhere else. That small shift helps individuals learn that the world runs on rhythms - there are times when certain things are expected, welcomed, or appropriate, and times when they aren't. It also gives them something to look forward to rather than something to grieve. When “no” feels like “never”, a “then” tells us it’s still coming.

This is also a wonderful chance to teach a valuable self-advocacy phrase: "When can I?" It's a question that can follow any "not now" or "no", and helps individuals find the answer for themselves instead of waiting to be told.

"Not now" is so much easier to hear when it comes with a "then."

Not Here, There

Not Here, There means teaching that context matters. Again, we aren't saying the action is bad or wrong - just that this particular setting isn't the best fit for it. Jumping and crashing might hurt someone in a crowded classroom, but it's great on the trampoline in the backyard. Some forms of self-touch or self-regulation are perfectly okay in a bedroom or a private space, but not in the grocery store.

Doing something "here" might bump into other people or put someone's dignity at risk. Doing it "there" can keep everyone safe and protect privacy, while still honoring what the person's body needs. That's an important lesson about how different environments come with different expectations. It also opens the door to one of my favorite self-advocacy phrases to teach: "Where can I?" That simple question can follow any "not here" or "no", and turns a moment of being stopped into a moment of problem-solving.

The need is valid. Learning how expectations change from place to place is the work.

Not This, That

Not This, That means teaching that some actions are best done with certain objects and not others. If someone bites for sensory input, the biting isn't the problem but the object being bitten could be. A chewy necklace or teether is built for biting, while a pencil, a toy, or a sibling's arm is not. "Not this, that" redirects the action toward something that can handle it.

The same idea works for throwing (a soft ball, not a cup), banging (a drum, not the window), or squeezing (a stress ball, not a peer’s hand). Each time, we keep the need intact and help the person find a better match for it.

This strategy pairs with a third self-advocacy phrase: "What can I?" Whenever someone hears "not this" or "no", they can ask what they can bite, throw, bang, or squeeze instead. It puts the search for a better match in their own hands, so they're not left stuck with a need and nowhere to take it.

When we change the "what," the "why" can stay.

Learning the Nuances Without Shame

Together, these three strategies teach something that "no" never can: the nuances behind the things our bodies pull us to do, and the unwritten expectations of the many environments we move through. When is this okay? Where does it fit? What can I do it with? These are complex social rules that many of us absorb without noticing. For lots of individuals with ASD, ADHD, and those who find ‘no’ especially hard to hear, they need to be taught clearly, kindly, and more than once. Over time, the goal is for individuals to ask these questions themselves. When someone can say "Where can I?" instead of melting down, they're no longer waiting for an adult to solve the problem. They're advocating for their own needs.

In my work, a big part of what I do is help clients learn all of this without feeling shame for doing things "wrong." A person who feels ashamed tends to hide, shut down, or give up. A person who feels understood is far more likely to try again. That's why "no" becomes less necessary, and teaching when, where, and what becomes the focus.

This doesn't mean we never use the word. When someone is in real danger - running toward a street, reaching for a hot stove - a quick, clear "stop" is exactly right. But those moments are the exception, not the everyday teaching.

People learn best when they aren't afraid of getting it wrong.

Teaching When, Where, and What

In my work with children, adults, families, organizations and school teams, I've seen how much can change when we trade "no" for something more useful. Power struggles soften and meltdowns become less frequent. With my clients with ASD in particular, I consistently see fewer disruptive behaviors when they hear "when," "where," or "what" instead of "no." 

And individuals start to understand not just what they're expected to do, but why it fits the moment, the place, and the situation.

So the next time "no" is on the tip of your tongue, try pausing and asking yourself a different question. Is this really a "no"? Or is it a "not now, then," a "not here, there," or a "not this, that"? Keep practicing, and with time, you may hear your child or client ask: "When can I?" "Where can I?" or "What can I?"

Growth isn't built through constant correction. It's built by helping people understand their bodies, read their world, and feel good about who they are while they learn.